


Would it be easier if I didn't love you this much?

by LG_Consor



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-05-21
Packaged: 2018-03-30 05:43:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3925063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LG_Consor/pseuds/LG_Consor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Send me prompts, the sadder the better."<br/>Because that's how I cope with my life, apparently.<br/>Warning for each chapter is included in the chapter summary.</p><p>So I'm doing prompts now. Not sure if I can do them justice. Anyway, if you have any, feel free to hit my askbox at lgconsor.tumblr.com.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. White headband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major character death.
> 
> Asami and Hiroshi both die in the hummingbird mecha at the end of "Day of the Colossus", from either Korra's or Asami's POV

The rumours started when the Avatar was seen quietly picked up a white piece of cloth, tied it around her head and never let it go.

No one had half a heart to said it out loud, however, and Korra didn’t care. Let them talk. Let them know what she wanted to announce to the whole world, if not by words then by action. Asami deserved this much. She wanted Asami to have this much.

The visitors came and went, all wanted to pay their final visit to the saviours of the city whenever they could. No matter what Hiroshi did before, he paid for it with his life. The least the man deserved was some respect for his final moments.

The daughter, though. It wasn’t what one would expect to happen. Or maybe it was, because how else things could have turned out? The reports were that she volunteered knowing it was a suicide mission, and she was brave. Too brave, perhaps, because with her gone…

The last two members of the Sato family both passed away on the same day, killed by the same person. Heroic, but sad.

Korra just stood vigil near the two caskets, handing out incense sticks and thanks whenever someone wanted to pay their respect. It hurt to talk, to even think of anything to say - and maybe her brain had gone numb since the moment Kuvira was arrested, since the moment she allowed the memory to take over - but she still carried out her duties faithfully and never stopped to rest. She couldn’t afford to rest, because her mind would be free to think, and it would have ideas. Ideas she wouldn’t welcome.

Half of her still wished she had strangled Kuvira to death. No one could blame her. No one would blame her. No one would even know. The spirits… their opinions, their ideas of morality wouldn’t weigh much against the Avatar’s. The spirit world was hers to command - and she wanted, she wanted so badly to hurt Kuvira the way Asami was hurt, to torture her the way Korra herself was torn to pieces inside. She wanted to spit the word _murderer_ to that pathetic face, to remind that monster that Baatar was still in her hand, that _Kuvira, oh Kuvira, I know you still love him, I just want to find out how much._ And Korra would do it. No empty threat this time. She would do it, because revenge was a powerful force and Korra wasn’t sure she was strong enough to fight the demon inside.

And yet, at the same time, the other half of her knew Asami wouldn’t have wanted her to turn into that monster.

Korra hated the way Asami could still speak to her even when her eyes would never again opened.

Right now, she just wanted to hear her voice.

Spirits, she just wanted to hear her voice.

Why was it so difficult to grant such a simple wish?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the funeral rites/mourning customs are from my culture, where the relatives and those who are married into the family all wear white clothes and headbands. Visitors usually wear black, but as long as it’s formal it’s ok.


	2. Loss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miscarriage.
> 
> Asami miscarries her and Korra's child. It's her second time but Korra didn't know about the first because it was years ago when Asami was with Mako and it was unplanned.

Korra was one ocean away from home when it happened, having just arrived at the Fire Nation palace on a diplomatic mission.

For all her Avatar powers, she was given no warning. There was no dream, no vision, nothing to suggest what her dearest was going through back home.

The letters said nothing. When she returned four months later, it was Asami’s hesitation during their first night back that prompted the question.

She wasn’t prepared for the answer she got.

“I wanted to tell you in person.” Asami’s voice was wet and quiet, afraid of something Korra was barely aware of herself. “You were so happy when we discovered we could have children of our own, so I just thought… I wanted– And then it was just–” Her body shook in Korra’s arms as she struggled to let the words slipped through. When nothing came, Korra tightened her arms, hoping to offer Asami what little comfort she could.

The unspoken words hung in the air like broken glasses, too sharp to touch yet too obvious to ignore. Korra swallowed, unsure if what she was feeling was guilt for leaving her wife alone at her most vulnerable moments, or grief for the child she never knew she had.

Asami curled up against her chest, and although Korra knew sex was the furthest thing from both their minds, she still subconsciously picked up the subtle ways pregnancy, even one ended as abruptly as this, had changed Asami’s body. Gone was the taut abs she often blew kisses on, replaced by softer skin and, perhaps, rounder stomach. Her breasts were larger, not by much, but enough for her to notice. Korra had heard of morning sickness, swollen ankles and strange craving that often plagued expecting mothers and…

 _Spirits_. Realisation suddenly dawned on her and she keened, unaware of the little noise she accidentally let out. She placed a kiss on Asami’s head, trying to suck in great gasps of air when it finally hit. She had a child. She had a child she never thought she could, and now that tiny shred of happiness was gone before she could even cherish it.

Asami reached out to hold Korra’s face in her hands, fingers wiping the corners of her eyes and Korra absently realised she was the only one making all those distress sounds. She loosened her hold and chuckled, trying to lighten up the mood. “I should be the one comforting you.”

“Let me.” Asami continued rubbing her thumbs against Korra’s cheeks in that tender, quiet way of hers. “I’ve had a whole month to grieve. You don’t. And…” she paused, considering her words. The smile didn’t quite reach her eyes. “In a way I know how to deal with loss better than you. Wouldn’t be the first time this happened.”

She glanced away. There was something in her voice and Korra couldn’t help but voiced her confusion. “But… wasn’t this our first attempt? Did I–?”

“No.” She cut her off. Then, more quietly, like she was treading through dangerous, unknown land. “With Mako. Neither of us planned for it to happen but… it did. I had no idea at the time, until…” she waved her hand around and looked at Korra helplessly, not wanting to say the word.

Korra put a hand on her wife’s stomach. The pain at the loss of their unborn child was still too raw, too new. “I’m sorry.” She apologised, her voice was barely a whisper, a shadow of even the tone two minutes earlier. “I shouldn’t have asked you to do it. This wouldn’t have happened. You wouldn’t have had to go through this again.” She bit her lips, tasting the copper tang of the blood that came out.

Asami leaned in and their foreheads touched. “You don’t have anything to apologise for. I wanted this, too, and since you can’t… It makes sense for me to carry our child.”

“But you–”

Asami placed a finger on her lips and hushed. “I want to try again. Maybe… not now, but one day, if you still do.” She took Korra’s hands and guide them to her stomach. Then, “I love you. Always will, no matter what.”

A wave of emotions Korra couldn’t name surged through her. “I’d… like that, a lot.” She stammered, finding it hard to look for the right words to tell Asami how she felt. She just hoped her lips and her arms could do what her mind couldn’t instead.

“I love you, too. Never change, never will.” Korra completed the other half of their wedding vow, silently thanking the woman in her arms for everything she’d given her and would be giving in the future.

The smile was still absent on either pair of lips as they drifted off to sleep. Fate might be hard on them now, but they’ve got each other.


	3. Push

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Modern AU: Korra's paralyzed from the neck down. Asami tries her best to support.

Sometimes, when Korra’d fallen asleep - which was a rare occurrence these days - Asami allowed herself to remember a time when everything was still simple and unclouded.

Theirs had been a mundane, quiet life together. Everyday she would wake up at seven, plugged in the kettle and let the toaster work its magic. Later, the sound of water running in the shower would tell her her girlfriend was awake, most likely because she could never resist the wonderful smell of bacon sizzling in the pan. They would have their first meal of the day together, Korra would reach over to wipe the breadcrumbs off her face, and the tea she’d prepared would still be hot by the time they finished. They would share a kiss, then, before both headed their separate ways; Asami to the construction site she’d been working at and Korra to her uni, where the varsity match was but days away and she had every confidence in bringing home a trophy.

Theirs had been a simple life together, but they were happy. Korra smiled a lot, laughed too often and pranked her too much, but Asami still missed those days.

Asami put the book she had been reading to Korra down and tucked away a stray hair on Korra’s forehead, careful not to wake her.

It had only been two month, yet it felt so far away, like a dream she never dared to touch.

 

* * *

Some nights, Asami never slept.

Watching the way Korra’s chest moved with each breath had become the only thing that could keep her grounded, these days.

The memory of the scaffold collapsing on her, only for Korra to jump in and push her out of the way still haunted her even out of sleep.

They’d had plan to have lunch later, and Korra was supposed to throw her a cocky grin, proud of how she hadn’t mistaken sugar for salt this time.

Now, there were too many tubes attached to Korra’s body, and Asami hated that.

 

* * *

Korra wasn’t allowed to eat or drink until the doctors were sure she could swallow on her own. The only source of nutrients provided to her was through a drip, and it pained Asami to hear the first word Korra weakly muttered after those torturous two weeks was just the simple ‘juice’, yet she wasn’t allowed even that.

She tried her best to cheer Korra up, bringing little things with her every time she visited - like an album of their silly moments together, or showing her the latest memes the internet had produced. She was never into it, but Korra was, and researching had always been her strong point. Each smile she could draw out of Korra’s pale, dry lips was like a victory to her, and Asami diligently collected each and every single one, burning them to her memory like a keen photographer with her favourite subject.

Sometimes, Korra looked at her like she was the most important thing in her life, and Asami hoped so dearly she could become the anchor Korra needed.

 

* * *

“I miss the simple things, like scratching my nose.” Korra blurted out, just as Asami was about to feed her another spoonful of yoghurt.

She took a napkin and wiped her girlfriend’s mouth, then raise her hand to touch Korra’s face. “Where are you itching?”

Korra answered with a slight shake of her head, then sighed. “You don’t have to be here.”

This had been the only thing Korra’d brought up lately. And every time, Asami’s answer was firm and final.

“Yes, I do. And I want to.”

Korra just sighed again and looked away. “Where does the money come from?”

“I’ve got it covered.”

“No you don’t. I don’t have insurance. Yours doesn’t cover me. Our jobs don’t pay enough.”

“Like I said–”

“Stop lying!” Korra snapped, tears streamed down her cheeks. “I’m not that easy to break. Stop treating me like a glass doll!”

If she could just move her fingers she would have thrown something out of frustration, Asami thought.

Putting the bowl aside, Asami took Korra’s hand in hers and brought it to her forehead as she leaned in for support. Taking a deep breath, she confessed. “It’s from my father.”

That shut Korra up.

“I called him a week after the accident. I knew we couldn’t afford this and I had no one else to turn to.” Asami continued, her voice quiet and her eyes not quite meeting Korra’s gaze. “I just wanted you to have the best care available. I don’t regret it, not even a little bit.”

“But…” Korra said weakly, not trusting her voice. “But you hate him.”

“Not as much as I love you.”

Korra’s face was one of shock, like she couldn’t believe her ears.

It wasn’t a confession as such, but in this situation, its weight was heavy and Asami hoped Korra would recognise just how deep her devotion ran. “Please don’t give up. I need you, Korra, more than you know. I can’t imagine a life without you.” She kissed Korra’s palm, the back of her hand, her face, her eyebrows and her forehead. “Your recovery might be slow, but you’re getting there. I’ll be with you every step of your life, and nothing can ever change that.”

She placed a final kiss on Korra’s lips and almost panicked when Korra didn’t kiss back, but after a few moments of hesitation, Korra did, and their lips brushed together like a promise.


	4. I know you think it's more than just bad luck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post book 3. Korra attempts suicide after her fight with Zaheer but fails.
> 
> WARNING: suicide attempt, self harm, depression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ My 8tracks playlist for post-book 3 Korrasami](https://8tracks.com/girishia/cause-none-of-us-were-angels)

Korra lived.

The poison had taken so much out of her, but she lived.

Asami considered herself the luckiest person alive.

 

* * *

For a long time, Korra just slept.

Asami didn’t know how long, or if time had passed at all. Days and nights blurred together as she stopped counting the hours and minutes and started looking for the faint but steady pulse under Korra’s wrist instead. Korra had survived the poison, but Asami’s mind could be too cruel sometimes, she kept dozing off to find herself stuck in a nightmare where their first kiss was also their last, where her touch passed through Korra’s body in a way that left her blood run cold and her mind overwhelmed with anguish.

Someone touched her shoulder and she jolted awake, heart racing as her hand scrambled to find Korra’s wrist. Each beat against her fingers was like a reassurance, a reminder that her fear was unfounded, that Korra was still breathing and her heart was still thumping under her chest.

“You should go eat something,” Senna told her. Asami looked up to see a warm smile which reminded her so much of her own mother directed at her. The look in the older woman’s eyes was one of understanding, though it wasn’t one that Asami received too often; so she said her thanks and apologies then thanks and apologies again before closing the door behind her with a promise to return as soon as she could.

On the way to the kitchen, Asami wondered just how much Senna knew.

 

* * *

A loud crash followed by a series of screams and curses echoed from down the hall. Asami jumped at the sudden noises but immediately dashed to Korra’s room where the sounds came from. When she shoved the door open however, the sight that greeted her almost stole her breath as she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Korra was finally awake, but the position she was in…

“Korra?” Asami tried her name, the syllables came out in between gasps. Korra had waken up. After so long ( _too long_ ), she’d waken up and Asami knew she should have jumped for joy. She should have laughed, should have been beyond ecstatic when Korra looked at her with those beautiful, mesmerising eyes again - yet she couldn't. She couldn't, because Korra's upper body was currently sprawled on the floor in an awkward position as her legs were still stuck on her bed, caught between all the sheets and blanket. Korra’s blue eyes, her beautiful, hypnotic blue eyes were staring, _glaring_ at her as she struggled to twist her upper body in a vain effort to crawl away, relying only on her forearms for support.

Asami had to swallow the lump in her throat several times lest her heart sunk even further and the weight became too much to bear. She didn’t dare to blink, didn’t know what to do next and she definitely didn’t want to think at all, so she rushed to Korra’s side to help her up.

Except Korra didn’t want that.

“Get away from me!” Korra spat as she tried to yank her arms away from Asami - except that she couldn’t, because her legs still refused to obey her will, still refused to give her the support she needed and there was nothing she could do about that right now. The force, however, jerked her entire body backwards and her legs slipped down the bed along with the silky sheets as Asami watched helplessly from just an arm’s reach away. Korra tried to crawl with her elbows again, then again, until she was out of breath and began to sob.

“Let me help. Please,” Asami begged, unable to watch Korra like this any longer. She swore she could almost feel her heart stop beating at the sight –  Korra with dishevelled hair and tears trailing down her cheeks…

Spirits, she wanted to cry herself.

 

It was a while until Korra spoke again.

“I can’t move my legs. I can’t even feel them.” Korra said quietly, her voice muffled and wet as she rested her head on Asami’s shoulder. “What happened to me?”

 _You survived_ , Asami wanted to say.

“You beat Zaheer. Suyin bended the poison out of you.” Her answers came out in soft whispers as she kept hushing comforting words to Korra’s ears.

“Whatever it was, it took a great toll on you, but the healers said you have a great chance at a full recovery.”

“One percent is also a ‘chance’.”

“You don’t know that.” Asami began. “I’m sure–”

Korra cut in with a tired reply. “You don’t know that, either.”

 

* * *

Korra refused to see anyone else, so Asami took on the role of her caregiver.

_(Korra refused to see her, too, but Asami was just as stubborn, if not more.)_

 

The first time Asami introduced Korra to her new wheelchair, it was a disaster.

“I don’t want it.” Korra’s eyes glowered at the innocent object from across the room. “Take it back.”

“Hey, come on,” Asami said softly, her hand brushing against Korra’s shoulder as she came to sit next to Korra on her bed. “You can move around much easier with this. I know you don't like the crutches.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Korra picked up a random book from her nightstand and started reading, though Asami knew her mind was elsewhere and definitely not on the pages.

"I had it custom-made for you." She tried again. "Super comfortable and everything."

“Still don’t want it.”

“You should give it a try. I'm sure—”

Korra didn't let her finish. “You want me to stay crippled all my life that much?” She kept turning the pages back and forth randomly, her voice seething under her breath. “Is it fun? You like playing dollhouse so much, you have to babysit me too?”

“You know that’s not—”

“Or are you feeling guilty? Everyone was a bender, everyone contributed in the fight but you weren’t and you couldn’t and now…“

“Korra, just list—“

“… And now you feel you have to take care of this useless Avatar so the world could hail you as a hero too?" She scoffed without sparing even a glance at Asami. "If that’s the case then, too bad, I sure as hell don’t ne–”

“KORRA!!!”

Asami didn’t know when or why she’d raised her hand. She didn’t want to, but her body acted as if on its own accord and her shout was challenged only by the dull sound her palm made when it met Korra’s cheek, leaving an angry red mark behind.

The slap shut her up, but at the same time, it froze her instantly.

Asami’s eyes went wide as soon as she realised what she’d done. “Spirits, I didn’t mean—I’m sorry.” Her hand flew to cover her mouth, the pain from the contact still tingled on her palm. “Korra, I’m sorry.” She cried then, and she choked on her words as her body shook violently, her chest heaved with each difficult breath. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—I’m sorry.”

Korra was still not moving. There were tears silently spilling down her cheeks, and she winced a little when Asami reached over to wipe them away. It didn’t matter that Korra immediately relaxed when she remembered whose hand it was; her reaction - her instinctive reaction was enough to make Asami feel like her heart might have been ripped into millions of pieces at the sight.

“I’m sorry,” she said again, more quietly this time.

“Not your fault. Mine.” Korra turned her face to look at Asami, but not her eyes.

Never her eyes, these days.

Her book lay forgotten somewhere on the mattress. She reached up as if wanting to touch Asami’s cheek but withdrew her hand halfway as she casted her eyes downwards. “I was frustrated. I shouldn’t have dumped all my problems on you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. I know you’re having a lot on your plate right now.”

“Still… You know I didn’t mean it, right?” Korra chanced another look at Asami. “I know how much danger you put yourself in that fight. I just—”

“I know.”

“It was so easy to just yell at someone. Anyone. And I–”

“I know. It’s okay. I understand.”

“You’re my best friend.” _Thump._ “You didn’t deserve that. I don’t want you to think that I wanted you to leave.”

“I know that too. And don’t worry about that.” Asami smiled and she tried her best to make it look like the ache in her chest weighed nothing. “I’m always here for you… for as long as you need me.”

 

* * *

Two days later, Asami discovered a string of newly formed bruises on Korra’s back while she was helping her bathe.

It baffled her, to say the least.

There was no way anyone would be able to sneak past the entire populace of Air Temple and then Asami herself to get to Korra. Even if, hypothetically speaking, someone did, why would they want to go through all those troubles just to, what, hit the Avatar a few times?

Korra asked her to remain silent, and that was odd.

 

The bruises never stopped.

Korra refused to heal them, often using her weak arms as an excuse.

Asami knew better, though. She had seen Korra attempting to bend whenever she couldn’t sleep using the few movements her body was capable of. Her arms were weak, yes, and they hindered her everyday tasks, however the act of _concentrating_ , of _focusing_ was not impossible, just difficult.

Every morning, Korra’s bruises would fade, and Asami would dress her, feed her, wheel her out for a little sun light and fresh air - and yet every night, without fail, somehow those bruises would be replaced by a whole new set - sometimes even accompanied by several fresh cuts and scratches. The wounds ran along the skin on her back – they marred the once smooth, perfect skin, and Asami had to swallow the lump in her throat every time she applied salve to those deep red gashes.

Korra never offered any explanation but never hid anything either, and for that, Asami was grateful.

 

“I’m sorry,” Korra suddenly said during one of those nights.

Her sleeping schedule was a mess these days. She sometimes slept too much, sometimes too little; most of the time didn’t at all.

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Asami replied as she kept massaging Korra’s legs. The muscles had gradually disappeared from lack of use, but Asami refrained from mention that. “I’m always here for you, remember? You know you can tell me anything. I won’t judge.”

“I’ll… keep that in mind.” Korra’s eyes fixed on her with a look Asami had never seen directed at anyone before. “I don’t know if I could, but… maybe one day.”

She trailed off, and the contact broke.

“Maybe one day,” Asami echoed her words, hoping against hope that that day would come sooner rather than later.

 

* * *

And then that day came, but in a way Asami would never have wanted.

She hadn’t realised just when she’d started screaming for help until her throat felt like sandpapers and her shouts became hoarse whimpers instead.

Korra was sitting on the floor with her back against the side of her bed. Her shoulders slumped, her head lolled back against the blanket and when Asami reached out to touch her wrist, the pulse beat with a completely strange, unsettling rhythm. Even without any medical training, Asami knew a bad sign when she saw it. And there were too many of them.

“…mi?”

Bleary blue eyes finally noticed her at the same time she recognised the prescription bottle in Korra’s hand. It was empty with its cap missing, and Asami realised she’d never known what true fear felt like until now.

“You’re gonna be fine,” she whispered into Korra’s hair, trying to keep her conscious as long as she could. “Healers are coming. You’re gonna be okay.”

Korra mumbled something in response, and although her words were slurred together in a string of incoherent noises, the slight shake of her head almost tipped Asami over the edge.

“You’re not– allowed to do this to me. _Spirits_ , Korra–” she choked, and maybe her next words were for herself as much as it was for Korra. “You’re gonna be okay, you hear me? You’re gonna be okay.”

She didn’t how long it was until the healers came, but any second was a second too long, and she wept as she cradled Korra’s head in her arm, occasionally placed a kiss or two on its top as Korra’s eyes groggily followed her every action.

_I don’t know what I would do without you, Korra._

 

* * *

Korra lived, and again, Asami considered herself the luckiest person alive.

Everything that happened after the healers came was a blurry haze. They told her it was fortunate that Korra had been discovered that quickly. They praised her for retaining the meds bottle, for keeping Korra conscious until help arrived, for doing the things she had once read about “just in case”. But Asami hated those talks, hated those conversations where they never blamed her for not being observant enough, for not being sensitive enough, for not noticing the signs sooner, because she knew how different the situation could have turned out. She knew, and she needed to hear someone place the blame on her because otherwise it meant everything was inevitable. Someone had to be at fault because then undesirable events could have been avoided. She needed to believe that this was something preventable, because she couldn’t think otherwise.

But no one blamed her, so she blamed herself instead.

 

“Aang died, you know.”

Asami was peeling the apples Pema had brought in earlier when Korra suddenly blurted out something that sounded like a random, well known fact.

But Korra wasn’t exactly a fan of pub quizzes. So Asami nudged her to go on.

“And?”

“I thought—” Korra hesitated. “I thought if I’d died, someone… Katara maybe? Katara would’ve been able to bring me back.”

Oh.

She was talking about Aang’s _other_ , more unnatural, death.

A rush of pain ran through Asami’s chest, but she remained silent and gestured Korra to continue.

“And if that failed… If that failed, a new Avatar would be born, and the world would be able to get rid of this useless, crippled good-for-nothing Avatar.”

“Korra…” Asami’s voice cracked. Or maybe the sound came from her heart instead. Things were confusing these days. “You can’t think that.”

“Let me finish.” Korra held up one hand to stop her, though she did open her mouth when Asami fed her a slice of apple. It had sort of become one of their habits lately, though Korra might not have realised that.

Someday, maybe, Asami would tell her. Not now, though. She liked pampering Korra, but the gesture might be taken the wrong way.

“I lost control of my body when he— when the Red Lotus poisoned me.” Korra continued. “I just… I guess I just wanted to gain some of it back.”

Asami had figured as much. She waited until Korra finished chewing the apple in her mouth before feeding her another slice.

“I think what I need to do is going back to the Southern Water Tribe,” Korra told her.

And just like that, the few tears Asami had been struggling to hold back fell down and onto the few apple slices on the left.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Asami asked, though she’d already known the answer from the tone of Korra’s voice. “I just want you to know that I’m always here for you. For as long as you need me.”

“It’s okay. I’ll be fine. I won’t do anything to hurt myself again.”

And then she said her thanks and apologies and then thanks and apologies again before declining her offer.

Asami fed Korra the apple on the right side, and she ate the rest.

It tasted like the kisses they never had.


End file.
